hestitantly optimistic

November 7, 2006

Argh. And Yay!

Filed under: Fertility — Theresa @ 10:05 pm

Cold season, what with the coughing and the snot, is NOT helping matters.

But! But! My bloodwork shows what it should show during a luteal phase. YAY!

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October 27, 2006

Report from Mr. Doctor Man

Filed under: Fertility — Theresa @ 9:36 pm

So I went in and he had kind of forgotten why I was there.

But I reminded him and he’s checking my hormone levels – I go back on November 6th at which point I’ll likely be referred on to a lady doctor who has with fertility to do. I’ve heard good things about her, too.

Just the idea of getting help has taken a good bit of the panic away and I feel – at the moment – a good bit calmer than I have in a while.

I’ll let you know how long that lasts!

October 17, 2006

In my head…

Filed under: Fertility — Theresa @ 8:57 pm

Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire – be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight. Truth be told I tried my best but somewhere long the way I got caught up in all there was to offer and the cost is so much more than I can bear.

We all begin with good intent when love is raw and young. We believe that we can change ourselves – the past can be undone. But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals… in the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal…

Sarah McLachlan, Fallen

October 15, 2006

Day 22

Filed under: Fertility,Weird — Theresa @ 2:08 pm

temperaturesSo my chart, started on day 9 (see last post) looks like this. I find this encouraging so far. I mean that upswing, that means something good. Of course, we still have the muskelknuter – being, as far as I can tell, fibroids – hurdle to get over, but hey. Optimism.

That last low temperature day was day 18. This may explain some things. Like why doing it on days 8-14 hasn’t quite been doing the trick.

I see my doctor tomorrow morning. I have no idea what his plan is. I hope to convey the proper amount of craziness so that he takes me seriously, without that oh-so-familiar segue into hypochondriasis. I’m considering taking up biting my nails. Or perhaps wringing my hands. Maybe having my sweater on backwards.

Oh, and this Thursday would have been the baby’s 12th birthday had he lived. I find that hard to wrap my head around. I have some things to say about that – what it meant then and what it means now – but don’t know how to start.

Of course they’ve scheduled a meeting at work for that afternoon. Heads may roll. I have no patience and very little respect for the New Boss. She apparently feels an irresistable need to tell me every little thing that goes through her head. Insecurity, I think. Plus she nods and smiles 85% of the time – even when family members are complaining. I mean, honestly. Get a brain.

October 6, 2006

There are no basal thermometers in Norway.

Filed under: Fertility — Theresa @ 10:37 pm

Taking Charge of Your Fertility I didn’t get past the price of ovulation predictor kits when I went to look at them… but I have been tracking my temperatures this cycle. I did search for a basal thermometer and I think they might not exist in Norway. At least – the pharmacy and where the pharmacy sent me didn’t have them – neither had they heard of them. But that’s okay! I have a regular thermometer.

Also, the Robitussin equivalent in Norway is licorice flavored and, really. EW.

I have a doctor’s appointment for October 16th to discuss all this. I’m feeling quite positive… like 83% of the time.

September 27, 2006

Stop telling me to relax!

Filed under: Fertility — Theresa @ 5:22 pm

Hard to say which is worse…some of the things people say to you when they find out you’re trying to conceive… or having someone hit you in the head with a baseball bat.

September 24, 2006

Something’s gotta give.

Filed under: Fertility — Theresa @ 1:29 pm

Okay, it has not happened this time.

Yesterday –  9pm-ish – I was a nutcase, obsessing over those early pregnancy symptoms (see #2) and working myself into a frenzy. So much so I had trouble typing coherently. Karen talked me down. Which – thank you, Karen. Seriously.

But today? At least I’m calmer. I will call my doctor Monday and go talk about why nothing is happening after a year and a half of trying. I mentioned it earlier this year and he said let’s wait until after summer to worry and yesterday was the last day of summer.

I …

Otherwise I don’t know what to think or feel. When I take two steps back and look I realize I’m getting so focused on conception that everything else is taking a backseat ride on the tailgate of the pickuptruck. Nothing seems interesting. I pick up a book and read a page or two. I knit a row and put it down again. I consider changing the sheets on the bed and continue to sit on the sofa. I fantasize about moving back to North Carolina, where somehow everything will be fine or at least I’ll have a garden.

If I take 3 steps back I’ll realize all this is just the lack of estrogen talking.

September 23, 2006

Deluded?

Filed under: Fertility — Theresa @ 9:22 pm

Now I’m convinced the spotting I’m having is implantation bleeding. (Early pregnancy symptom #14.)
And my temperature was 37.2 just now.

Chewing my foot off.

Filed under: Fertility,Work — Theresa @ 1:37 pm

First – maternity leave in Norway – if you have a permanent 100% position – is full pay for 8 months or 80% for a year. Sweet, right? And it took me many moons to get the position that I have, which is 8 to 3:30, Monday to Friday and every 6th weekend. Which – like – GOOD, right?

Yet the fact is they passed over me for a promotion for someone who does. Not. Speak. The. Language. Nice person, yes. Experienced, yes. Maybe even more cojones than me – let it not be said that I like confrontation – but who does not understand large chunks of what is being said around her. ARGH.

So here I sit. Angry. Bitter. Melodramatically betrayed. Looking through the Help Wanted ads knowing that I can’t ought not give up the position I have. Because it will happen sometime. Not this time, but sometime.

And now I’m off to buy more B vitamins, Robitussin, some ovulation predictor kits and boxer shorts.

September 22, 2006

Google is our friend. Maybe.

Filed under: Fertility — Theresa @ 7:39 am

I feel like an amateur. We have been trying since last April, but I have been trying to take a relaxed, somewhat-informed I-am-a-nurse-afterall approach to all this. I didn’t realize that googling two week wait would bring up page after page of how to keep yourself occupied in exactly this situation. However, reading about how to survive the two week wait is not the best way to keep yourself from thinking about the two week wait. If you know what I mean.

It’s PMS. It is.

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